Oh, Hallo There -.-

Turns out I was getting the run around at petsmart. Adrian was on vacation all week, and both her and John's mom told me to keep calling and asking about my app, which I did, to show interest.

So I call Adrian this morning to ask her, knowing she would tell me straight up what the deal was. She says she's really sorry, but they filled the position while she was gone.

She has no Idea how appreciative I am of her telling me exactly whats going on. No one else had the decency to at least call and just fucking tell me they hired someone, or at least fucking lie to me and say I wasn't rehireable. I'd understand if I was just some kid, but I know them, they know me, and everyone else there was ecstatic at hearing I might be coming back.

seriously, 5 minutes out of your fucking day to just call me back and say yes or no. It's bullshit. I know they aren't busy. Between open and close they have nothing to do except walk around monitoring the store. I can guarantee that if you were to walk in right now, at least 3 people will be standing around just talking.

I would love to know what I did to deserve this shitty luck. Time and time again, I try to be less cynical and pessimistic about people, And time and time again, I'm remembered why I can't stand them.

All I need is SOMETHING to last the summer, I have a month or 2 before my insurance bill comes and I have 8 dollars to my name. I've tried so fucking hard to find a job, I've exhausted myself. I've had more breakdowns in the past month than I've had in a year. I'm at a loss, and I don't know what else to do.

Everyone is on my ass about this and I can't do anything to appease anyone.
It doesn't matter that I put in 14 applications in one day, and called every single one 2 days later, because I didn't get a positive answer from a single one. Obviously I must not be trying hard enough.

I can't fucking do this anymore. I don't know what else I CAN do. I sat down the other day, and made a list of all the places I've applied to. I have 58 applications in places and I update more than half of those monthly. how much FUCKING harder can I try? There is nothing else I can do. Right now "we keep your app on file for X months" doesn't help me. I've run myself down over finding a job. I'm getting 2 hours of sleep a night because I can't calm down and stop worrying over it. I have never felt so defeated in my life and I don't see anything else I can do about it.

She finally ran off

She also tried, and failed, to take the tuna can with her.

And my allergies flared up. I seriously think they get worse as time goes on. I went from being able to stay overnight at chris' house after parties with no allergies for quite a few hours...to being in contact with a cat OUTSIDE and get hit with allergies 10 minutes later. Its as if someone is holding a flame to my eyeballs

I found a cat in my yard an hour ago, incredibly cute tortoise shell. She had two collars around her neck, so I don't know if she was a stray or not. I mean, I know some people let their cats out in the morning and they wander around for awhile, and it came right to me mewing when I got it's attention and rubbed against my ankle. but something about it seems off. I don't know. I'm really hoping that's the case though. I went out again to give her a can of tuna and some water and she immediately started devouring it. I didn't know what else I could do. She really wanted to play too. If it were up to me, I'd take her in and put up posters. but it's not. we have a 100 lbs Akita/mutt who hates any other animal, my dad is allergic (as am I) and my step-mom HATES cats. Then I thought maybe beanie would be able to do something, recalling one of her cats (I think it was Gwennie but I could be wrong, its been a long time.) was a stray. But 1. she's gone for a week and 2. its 7 in the fucking morning and they have a puppy to deal with

Shit like this always gets me misty eyed, even now. Not a cat in the wild, they can kick ass out there easy as shit, but more the family it might have had. Being the introvert that I am, I more often than not enjoy the company of animals more than people. and if Breezer, Rocky, or Ringo were to run off, I would be devastated. What if there's a little girl sleeping right now, who is going to wake up later and, as she always does, look for her cat at the end of her bed, or go hug her? and what if me petting it is the only affection its been shown or will be shown in a long time?

So often before I've been able to do something about it. The Black and white cat me and my mom kept in our basement until his owners saw our fliers. The domestic rabbit we found in the field, that we actually went and bought a cage and bedding for until his owners too saw the fliers we put up. For the first time I can't do anything about it, and I'm probably going to get bitched at for giving one of our tuna cans to a stray cat.

I'm glad I could at least help. even if the idea of getting out of bed at 7 in the morning to go help a cat you don't know is going to get me laughed at by my dad and step-mom.

I'm hoping it finishes eating and wanders off tho, before everyone gets up and lets the dog out to watch her chase it. People can be so fucking cruel.

Ill be keeping her in mind when I move out and pick a kitten to accompany me and be named Carl Sagan


edit: Alex, if you by chance happen to read this, can you clarify if Gwennie was indeed the stray (I use the term lightly, since I know she came from the house a few doors down and they never took care of her)

in related news

I just fucking PROVED that my dad and stepmom assumed that because you know someone, you can get a job there

after weeks of them telling me to go to the car-wash our neighbor's kid works at, I finally went to ask him if they were even hiring. He said they are Overstaffed and have been for awhile

so weeks of the parents saying "just go to nate's car wash he can get you a job" was exactly what I thought. which also leads me to believe that them thinking that putting in an application and calling to check in on it is a 100% guaranteed way to get a job, is a completely solid theory

So, apparently there was a good chance I was going to get my job back at petsmart

my friends mom said they desperately needed a bather as there only other one is at grooming school for the next couple months and mom (yes I call her mom also) is the only bather there

yippie, good news for me. So I put an app in, call her the next day to let her know. and she says everyone in grooming completely stoked that I might be back (Which is odd because I never thought of myself as memorable, nor did I work in grooming when I did work there 6 months ago)

She also says she'll talk to heather or amy (a manager and the store director) about pulling up my app to see if I'm rehireable or not. To put this into perspective here is how it went last time

I had a few punctuality issues at first, due to having no car and needing a ride, nothing big. a few minutes here and there. One time I let them know my ride couldn't do it at the last second and I would have to walk and be about 20 mins late. Heather understood and luckily it was the gratiot cruise that day and they were dead. TL;DR she let me take the day off, no harm no foul

then I finally got my car and had no issues with being late for a long time
then for a week my alarm stopped working. I had to open at 6 that morning and ended up sleeping until 8. My first major mistake, I got a scolding and a warning but that was it. I said it wouldn't happen again

a week later, Im using my cell as an alarm, like i did throughout school with no problems. it was dying, but I had it on the charger. well as my luck would have it, somebody turned the lightswitch off in my room which cut the power to my cell

I woke up at noon that day, 1 hour before my shift ended. To various voicemails asking where the fuck I was. At that point I was told, one more time and they have to fire me

naturally you can't really account for alarms failing or cell phones dying even after taking precautions. The sensible thing to do would be buy a bunch of alarms and set them all. but honestly. no one would do that, its overkill.

so after that I had no issues, I still made minor mistakes but nothing job threatening. leaving a fruit out of the rodent treat bowls from time to time but I was(am) an airhead so it was expected.

I decided to leave petsmart after accepting a job offer from biggby. I gave 2 weeks notice and that was that. only to find out training started a week later for biggby. So I let amy know that I couldn't work that final week as soon as I saw the schedule, so my last week was not a no call no show. so my two weeks turned into a week.

ok, finally I get to my point
I called heather yesterday and said "Hey this is the chris that used to work in petcare. Michelle said she talked to you about my app and I was wondering if , when you get time, you could pull it up and at least see if it says rehireable or not. Thanks I really appreciate it"

she sounded sincere and said she would do that, as you can tell ^. but I didnt get a call from her the rest of that day or today. I'm thinking about calling tomorrow to talk to amy herself but I don't want to be pushy at all. At what point does asking them to pull up my app become less interest and more pushy?

pissed off
want to vent and splurge here, but can't right now

expect angry angst ridden post later

This morning I learned breezer doesn't enjoy a little humor

I was poking her cheek while saying P-P-P-Poker face, P-P-Poker face (A poke on every "P" none the less).

and she grumbled at me

:(

I guess I'll have to settle for embarrassingly singing the song to myself all day since I can't get it out of my head

don't ask unless you really want to know

when I'm on my own

I'm gonna get a cat

and name it Carl Sagan

that seems like a good name for a cat

I just hope it doesn't develop a bone marrow disease

I've just realized that, at my very core, I am a Nihilist. Also studying Taoism has helped me develop that there is a god, but as Carl Sagan put it "The idea that God is an over sized white male with a flowing beard, who sits in the sky and tallies the fall of every sparrow is ludicrous. But if by 'God' one means the set of physical laws that govern the universe, then clearly there is such a God. This God is emotionally unsatisfying ... it does not make much sense to pray to the law of gravity."

That is exactly as I have perceived god. The formless and genderless forces that govern the direction trees grow, the law that force birds south in the winter, the force that makes everything fall at 9.8 m/s.

Life is simply a result of a series of situations happening at the right time and place together. The odds of this happening are almost infinite, but because of the size of universe, the odds had to happen somewhere at some point and more than once.

other life forms are also something I believe in highly. If we have been visited by these beings, they are obviously more intelligent and advanced than us. Therefore it's selfish and arrogant to assume that humans are some vastly important to the universe. We and every other biological being in the universe are products of circumstances.

This would be enough to turn me into an unfeeling sociopath, but I figured this. Whether we are or aren't just highly improbable results of creation. the fact is we still have emotions and feelings as do many animals. and if we really are here for no purpose. we might as well make the best of it. There's no ultimate purpose of making myself or the people around me happy. but it makes myself happy to know I have. and being happy far surpasses being upset. so I'd rather feel happiness for the majority of the century or so I'm given here (technically 30-40 years, but we've pushed our age expectancy far beyond our natural years), But ultimately if you think about it we do things for our own selves. Even devout Christians, who follow the bible for god, do so so THEY can get into heaven and THEY can live happily for eternity

Time
Laws
God

we created every one of those concepts. So who is to say they are ultimately true for the universe(s) let alone for ourselves?

I still believe in ghosts, spirits, entities etc. but there's so much shit out there we can't explain. and maybe we aren't meant to.

This morning i found a bag of tootsie pops


I licked 5 of them and tallied the results

1- 735
2- 721
3- 728
4- 743
5- 737

the average of the results is 732.8

Considering 8/10's of a lick is hard to determine, ill round it to 733


also, considering my spit greatly decreased throughout the experiment, I shall consider that as a variable, as this could never be the same for everyone

so using that and giving leeway to my lowest and highest results, ill say the minimum is 715, and maximum is 750


there for, How many lick's does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

The world may never know

715 ≤ 733 ≤ 750*

*fix'd

problem solved

Fuck you, you lazy bitch ^

ahh nostalgia


atm i have about 5 torrents going

The dig
Monkey island's 1 and 2
Grim fandango
and sam and max


sweet sweet graphical adventures

alas, for too long have i not known your frustrations, your seemingly impossible puzzles, and your hatred for humanity, but soon, we shall be reunited. with an inevitable, but loving, embrace between my fist and my keyboard, you will once again raise my doubts in my own intelligence as i destroy vital computer accessories as I did when I was 6 and couldn't make it past and hour into the dig

some may call it masochism

I call it tough love


appreciate your gaming routes

If you REALLY need someone to be a spokesperson for the crock of shit that is abstinence, you would probably get slightly better than shitty results if your figurehead wasn't the unmarried hymen-less daughter of a lady who thinks dinosaurs and man walked together 6000 years ago

but what do I know, I must not live in the real world

depression and anxiety are a fucking bitch to deal with at the same time

yup new shit

srry if it sounds shitty, i didnt feel like listening to myself whine so i just posted it as is

http://www.zshare.net/audio/589085281ac39d5e/

I FUCKING LOVE AMON AMARTH


JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

how does one hate death metal but love this gift from the pagan gods?



THAT'S FUCKING HOW

look at that shit. just fucking look at it. its the lead singer fighting a SEA MONSTER with nothing but Mjöllnir, the god damn hammer of Thor, whilst standing ON the serpent itself IN the middle of an ocean DURING a thunderstorm


edit: I DIDNT FUCKING NOTICE HE HAD THE SERPENT'S TOUNGE IN HIS FUCKING HAND! HOLY FUCKING SHIT CHRIST
NO
FUCK CHRIST
HOLY FUCKING BALDUR!

oh boo hoo jonas brothers, are you stuck in the rain?



WELL STOP FUCKING CUTTING YOURSELVES AND CHEER UP, YOU AREN'T FIGHTING A SEA SERPENT WITH THE POWER OF THE GODS ON YOUR LATEST ALBUM COVER, ARE YOU NOW?

and look at their name

AMON AMARTH

Mount FUCKING doom

lord of the rings

tell your friends

OH MY FUCKING GOD

I cant even listen to these guys when I'm driving by a church!

I'm afraid ill go fucking slaughter some priests and loot the alter then go home to get shit faced off mead


FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK



special note: I didn't just start listening to them all of the sudden and post this, I just caught my second wind at 4:30 in the morning and happened to be listening to them

http://www.zshare.net/audio/588187600c0e7240/blog%201.mp3